Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
