I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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