I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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