also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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