See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
