I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I intend to get homeless drunk
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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