Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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