I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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