We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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