I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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