Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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