Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
