Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize