Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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