When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
