I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize