I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
