u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My friends, they love my intelligence
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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