it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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