batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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