the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
