it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
