Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
