Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize