i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
