i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Watching her eat just hurts me
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize