so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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