Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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