i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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