i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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