Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
