Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
