You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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