for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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