Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Randomize
