I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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