found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
