sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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