as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
