Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
