omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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