I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
