I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
