Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize