i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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