you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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