Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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