I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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