i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just found a bag of teeth...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
True college students do jello shots in the library
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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