Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
