Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
