my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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