Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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