Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
