My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
