Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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