and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
